Peaceful Outings

Dear Lindy,

I’ve been pondering this entry for a few weeks. I may not have time tonight to write the whole thing, but I will begin.

One of the most stressful things about parenting can be going in public with your kids. There is something unnerving about going out when your kids are unpredictable. Every parent hates the child-melting-down-in-the-grocery-isle scene. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure every parent has to go through that, at some point. But with what I’m about to share with you, that scene will definitely be the exception. I want to tell you my favorite tools to help you navigate life outside your home.

The first tool is the belief that your children are TRAINABLE. Yes, you are not at their mercy. They can be taught. It can be fun. When they are trained they are then accountable AND predictable. I believe that when baby gets mobile, it is prime training time. Obviously training begins as you set up eating and sleeping habits. However, it goes to the next level as baby gets moving.

There are two keys to training kids. Key number one is to do it at a peaceful, convenient time for you. Don’t try to train your kids when you are in a hurry or under stress of some kind. Make time for it. Plan for it. It will be more fun if Daddy can help too. Key number two is to have fun with it, if at all possible. Make up little games to practice the right habits. Use tons of positive reinforcement. Laughter, delight, praise. Communicate “Obedience is a joy.”

The rest of the tools are what I will call commands. There are a few key commands that make mommy life in public very peaceful.

Favorite command # 1 – “Come here please.” Do not underestimate the power of those three words. They will keep your kiddo safe, your mind sane and keep you from yelling and threatening your kids in front of the whole world. If you can work toward immediate, quick and joy-filled obedience to those three words you are well on your way to peaceful outings.

Remember, start training with games and fun, it might go something like this: Maybe Daddy has your crawler (yes, you can start that early). Mama is a few feet away. Mama says, “Come here please, Sammy.” She waits. Daddy shows Sammy what to do. Then mama and daddy praise, kiss and hug Sammy. Then try again. Pretty soon, Sammy will learn that he needs to crawl to mama when she says “Come here please, Junior.” Once you have the territory, keep it. Practice it. Hold the kids accountable to it. If baby disobeys, give them a couple chances to “do it right” before you move on. Heap on the praise when baby get is right. If Sammy doesn’t get it on your first practice session, don’t fret. Just try again another day. Sammy will learn. Even now with my kids at school age I do a quick refresher game with my troops to make sure they remember the drill and do it quickly. “Come here please” is invaluable.

Favorite command #2 – “Do not touch.” This one was a little tougher for me to make it into a game. However, if your kids obey “do not touch” then grocery isles are safe, libraries are safe, non-kid proof houses are less stressful, electrical outlets are less dangerous, you name it—the pay-off abounds. I remember vividly when Caedon was little. He reached up to stick his finger in an electrical socket. I took his hand, squeezed it, moved it away and said, “Do not touch.” He kept trying. I knew this was my training moment. I was peaceful, not angry, and had the time. So every time he tried, I squeezed and moved his hand away and said “Do not touch.” I eventually had to give him a light flick on his hand each time he tried. I’ll bet he tried to touch that thing at least twenty times. Eventually, he got the picture. I knew he understood when he sat there reaching up for the outlet, but stopped short of it and just wept. He obeyed, even when he wanted to touch that outlet so badly. Boy, did I shower him with hugs and kisses. I tested him a few more times but he had learned his lesson. We had taken that territory.

One parenting book I read said that babies who can crawl can learn to obey basic commands (come here please, stay here, etc.). “Do not touch” is definitely one. That same book (To Train Up a Child by Michael and Debi Pearl) suggested putting an item on your coffee table for training purposes. Let’s say you pick a book which is your “do not touch” item, then you train your child not to touch it and leave the book on the coffee table for a season, just to give baby a chance to obey. Heap on the hugs and attention for obedience. You have to give them a chance to practice obedience when you are not under pressure. When they are in the habit of obeying, then when pressure hits, kiddo will make the right choice.

Favorite Command #3 – “Lock and Load” You could pick your own phrase for this one. The basic idea is that when I say “lock and load” the kids run and hang on to the stroller or the grocery cart or me. When you need the kids to be close by you and under control, lock and load is fantastic. I use it when I’m walking with my kids in crowded places, or un-kid-friendly settings. Some moms I know have their kids hang onto mom’s pocket. If your hands are full and you need your toddler to cross the street with you, “lock and load” says “come here and grab mama’s pants while we walk.” Do you get the idea?

The unexpected fruit from “lock and load” is that it allows me to give my kids more freedom. If they are wiggly at the store, I can have the run up and down the empty isle. That works because when it is time for me to move on, or if someone else comes in our isle, I can say “lock and load” and the boys run to the cart and hang on, walking beside it. If I didn’t have a plan to gather the troops, or if I didn’t know that they would obey, I wouldn’t be able to give them that freedom. When I used to try to get my kids to the car after church without Eric, “lock and load” was a life-saver. If I could get baby strapped in and the rest of the boys hanging on, we could navigate to our car safely and peacefully. “Lock and Load” really is one of my favorite mom tricks.

Imagine, if you had “do not touch”, “come here please” and “lock and load” down pat, so many frustrating and slightly embarrassing scenes don’t happen. When you pick up baby at the nursery or kids’ church, baby obeys immediately. When you need to change a diaper, baby comes to you instead of running away. When you see a car coming, baby obeys instantly and avoids danger. When you discern darkness or danger, you have the tools you need to keep baby safe. These three pay off at home or away from home. They are some of the keys to mommy sanity.

Remember, your child is trainable. There is a difference between training and discipline. Make training fun. Train obedience into your kids first. Teach them what you expect. Use the same phrases each time. Use tons of joy, praise and affection while you train. Once you have a territory, keep it. That means you need to discipline for disobedience and take time to re-train every once in awhile. Give them lots of chances for success, so that success is the habit.

When they have these three down pat, then you can add some. Sometime I can tell you about “Library Rules”. I love that one.

Phew! I’m glad I got that out. 

Happy training,
With love,
Carrie