Missing out

I finally read through the Bible in one year (a year and a week) when I was 39 years old.  It is fascinating to read through the Bible so quickly.  I felt so empowered.  I felt so spiritual, so cool. It was amazing to see the patterns and over arching themes in God’s story.  

This year, 18 months later, I feel as though the Lord has parked me in one place for the past seven months.  I feel so uncool. I feel so unspiritual. Not only have I been reading the same chapter of the Bible for the past seven months, it has been Psalm 23--a passage I have read my entire life. At first it felt like eating baby food every day.  “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want....”  Like Ferris Bueler’s teacher, sometimes this passage seems to drone on because I’ve heard it so many times. Yada, yada, yada...

Then little by little I started to listen to the Holy Spirit.  This age old poetry began sink in and change me.  I helped my kids memorize it (aka, so that I could memorized it too).  There is something so powerful about memorizing scripture.  It nearly always leads me to meditating on it.  I think it about over and over again and it takes different forms in my mind.

At first I heard “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want” as a promise of provision.  If God is taking care of me, I’ll have everything I need.  That idea alone is powerful.

Next it was declaration of contentment...”The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.”  I am grateful for what I have.  I won’t live with the insatiable need for more things because my Shepherd is seeing to my needs and fills up my heart. I’ve decided. I am satisfied.  He is generous.  

Many months later as our family was spending several weeks in Switzerland and I was trying to memorize Psalm 23 in my meager French.  As I practiced with a friend, I accidentally left out that powerful little pronoun “my”.  L’Eternal est berger.  “Non,” She said, “L’Eternal est mon berger.”  Each word is critical.  The Lord is MY shepherd.  Sure, he is a shepherd.  He is even the shepherd, but is He my shepherd? 

With the word “my” that simple little phrase becomes personal.   First, I think of it as a declaration of submission.  The Lord is my shepherd.  I’m coming under his leadership.  I will let him take care of me.  I will let him show me the way.  I’m joining His flock.

Next, I see it as Him reaching out to me.  Not just to the whole church, but to me personally.  The scripture is declaring that He is a personal God.  He is interested and cares deeply for me as an individual.  This psalm is full of personal pronouns.  “I”, “my”, “me”.  This chapter tells a very personal story.  He makes me lie down... He leads me...Even though I walk...  Even though this is one of the most famous and familiar passages of scriptures, it is intensely intimate.  

My second French discovery came when I was trying to understand the French translation I was using.  In English we usually say, “I shall not want.”  In French it read “Je ne manquerai de rien.”  As I looked up the verb, I discovered that it was translated “I miss nothing.”  

Missing things.  I read that word and it was as if I could see in slow motion all the fears I’ve had about missing things.  Did I miss God’s call on my life?  Am I too late?  The Lord is my Shepherd, I miss nothing.  Am I missing my chance to make an impact in the world by giving up my career to be a full-time mom and wife?  The Lord is my Shepherd, I miss nothing.  Did I miss my post-college chance to travel through Europe by train?  The Lord is my Shepherd, I miss nothing.  Have a researched enough about schools or curriculum for kids?  Did I make the right choice?  Am I missing any information I really need?  The Lord is my Shepherd, I miss nothing.  What about my relationship with God?  Have a read enough?  Did I fast enough?  Is there something else I should be doing to draw closer to Him?  The Lord is my Shepherd, I miss nothing.  Every regret.  Every fear about missing my best life, or the best life for my kids is put to rest with this declaration:  The Lord is my Shepherd, I miss nothing.

He has taken care of all of it.  He is big enough to make up for whatever I have overlooked.  He is generous.  Dreams I’d given up on to get married and have kids are coming back around.  When I finally got to “do Europe” by rail, it was with my sweet husband and my wonderful children.  It was better.  I miss nothing.  If I really need to know something, my Shepherd will let me know.  If there is a dream tucked in my heart somewhere, He knows my heart-cry.  My sacrifice is cherished.  He loves to fulfill our hearts’ desire.  

Do you ever feel jealous of someone for a wonderful experience they get to have? Do you ever feel like you are missing out? The Lord is your Shepherd too, you miss nothing.  His plan for you is generous.  His plan for you is right.  You miss nothing.  Sometimes you have to wait, but when the Lord brings the dream about, His version is better.  

I remember during the 5 years I was nearly continually pregnant, I constantly felt like I was missing things:  waterskiing, down hill skiing, roller coasters.... “I can’t, I’m pregnant.”  It is so strange how one of the dearest dreams of my heart being fulfilled can still make me feel like I’m missing out.  Self pity is such a thief.  So much to be grateful for.  Yet, it is easy to feel like you are some how getting a raw deal. 

Now, over 12 years since my first pregnancy I realize how fast it all goes.  5 years of no roller coasters.  There is still so much more life ahead of me, with nothing to stop me from riding Space Mountain.  Be patient.  There is so much time. The Lord is your Shepherd, you miss nothing.  It will come in time.  Your career. All those quiet times you missed because of sleepless nights.  The adventure you were hoping for.  The Lord is Your Shepherd, you miss nothing.

As I reflect on that initial phrase, The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want, it now seems full of faith.  What a bold declaration!  I shall not want!  I shall not be in want!  I am content!  I miss nothing!  My Shepherd has it all covered.

Seven months on one chapter.  Sometimes it is good to let the Word go deep in our hearts.  It is the opposite experience from zipping through the whole Bible that quickly.  It seems so rudimentary, like I’m missing out on some great revelation in some profound far reaching Bible Study. But wait, The Lord is my Shepherd, I miss nothing.

Conquering Darth Mama

Raising boys, I am well familiar with the Force and all the other wonders of the Star Wars universe. This George Lucas brainchild puts words to the dueling forces in my heart. The life of a mother touches the best of me and worst of me and it can happen all within a moment. One minute I am wielding the power of good nurturing, training and teaching my little tribe. The next minute the seed of evil spouts. Darth Mama emerges with venom and volume.

I can hear Master Yoda in my mind, “Do not give way to anger. Power of the Dark Side it is.” The thing is, anger is only a symptom. What is the hidden evil lurking in my heart that fuels Darth Mama?

I believe the many faces of fear speak lies and threats that go straight to what I value most. There is a question that haunts me: Am I good at this thing I’ve given these years to? Am I doing a good job as a mom?

How do you think you measure such a thing? It is impossible. In a frantic attempt, I sometimes look to my left and my right. The quickest, though most deceiving, way to assess is to try to gain some feedback on my performance by comparing my kids to other people’s kids, or to compare what I do as a mom to what other moms do. What a disaster! Such a shaky scaffolding on which to build security! What about what other people say about my kids? But they don’t see the messy side, the private side of our lives. I can’t trust that either. What about waiting to see how my kids turn out? Can you feel the pressure mounting? Pressure makes emotions boil faster. Darth Mama is coming out again.

What is the better way? How does one become a Jedi mama? What is a sure foundation for my security and self worth? How do I build a solid starting place? Perhaps, it is not mine to build. Perhaps it is found in someone.

Isaiah 33:5-6 (NIV) 

The Lord is exalted, for he dwells on high;
    

he will fill Zion with his justice and righteousness. 

 He will be the sure foundation for your times,
    

a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge;
    

the fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure. 

It is a promise! God will be the sure foundation for our times. He will be my stronghold, my secure place. I love that His foundation is not empty. It is full of good things I need: salvation, wisdom and knowledge. What mother doesn’t need those things? So how does it work? How do I set myself on this foundation?

“The fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure.” There is a fear that is righteous and holy. When the other fears in my life are loud, it is this righteous fear which suffers. Am I a good mother? Will my kids turn out? Do they respect me? On and on the murmurs in my mind go. When I set my heart and mind on the Lord the murmurs dim. Instead my prayers are, “Examine my heart, Lord? How have I offended you?” “Thank you for your unending love for me.” “Thank you for guiding me.” “How can I obey you today?”

When my fear is locked in on the Lord, filling my kids’ schedules is a matter of obeying my good Father rather than a race to make my kids better than everyone else’s. When I ask if I am a good mama in the fear of the Lord, the answer may have an element of correction to it. But His “rod and staff comfort me”. They are a relief. He also equips me to change. I know I am not a perfect mother, but it is a such a comfort that God fills me with the things I need to become the woman He wants me to be.

My God is also the Good Shepherd. His voice is not always full of correction. He also brings me rest. “He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside quiet waters. (Psalm 23)” This foundation is full of love, approval and peace.

How do I enter my Jedi training each day? How do I latch onto my sure foundation? Isaiah 33:5 states it simply, “The Lord is exalted...” As I exalt the Lord in my heart and my home I come under His care and guidance. The Force, His Holy Spirit, gets to take charge of my heart. When the Lord is lifted up, I am filled with faith and hope. When the Lord is on high, there is less pressure on me to have it all figured out. He knows the way. I can follow Him.

So, if there are any other Darth Mamas out there, take courage. Exalt the Lord in your heart and home. Make Him bigger. Spend time thinking about the majesty of who He is. Grow the fear of the Lord in your life. It will unlock treasures. Know that you are not alone. Many of us, if not most of us, face the Dark Side. But you are not powerless to resist it. He is with you.

Pondering Ephesians 4

Yesterday and today I’ve been meditating on Ephesians 4 the first couple verses. The following entry is my stream of consciousness conclusions from my ponderings:

“As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called—one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.” - Ephesians 4:1-6 (NIV)

Here are some thoughts:
I love the KJV words for humble, gentle and patient…lowliness, meekness, long suffering. Think low of you—not in a self-hatred, condemning way—just realize how desperate you are in need of Jesus. You are both a marvel and delightful creation of the Lord AND you are complete human, outside of Christ, your heart is vile. Think of your self less often (not as less valuable—simply less often) and cause others to think of you less often. I picture this gentleness and meekness as living in such a way that others notice the Lord and other people first.

"Bearing with one anther in love." I looked up to bear in blueletterbible.org and in the dictionary. To bear means carry one another’s burdens, even one another debts. To bear with one another could also mean to bear fruit in one another. To bear, to hold onto one another. Specifically, it means to be in the midst of AND hold onto one another. In other words, hang on tight to each other and/or lift one another up—make up for each other’s faults. I can picture people standing shoulder to shoulder with their arms around one another waists. It is a picture of unity and strength. If one person was weak, they would be strengthened by those beside them.

"Make every effort [the implication is that it will take MUCH effort] to keep the unity of the Spirit [agreement, oneness] through the bond of peace." This word bond actually can mean ligaments—the stuff that connects the bones together. The bond (or ligaments) is what allows the human body to be flexible—but it has limits (imagine a sprained ankle. Ligaments can stretched and be injured or they can tear or snap altogether). The word peace can be described as an absence of rage or war…an absence of tension. This excerpt draws an interesting conclusion in my heart: first, peace is bonding. Peace connects our hearts together in a way that can flex. (think about that in the context of marriage, friendship, or parenting…wow) When you put it all together, you’ll get something like this:

Work hard at peace, it will help you stick together and flex with one another so you can help one another and have agreement in the Spirit—you can be one if you work hard at peace so you can be flexible with one another and compensate for one another.

Or.

Work hard at peace, make up for one another's faults, carry each other, hold onto each other…really, really work at it. Then you’ll be able to be one—you’ll have agreement in the Spirit.

I am out of time. I’m not at all sure how that connects to that last verse, but I’m eager to hunt after it. I hope you beat me to it.

When in doubt...

This morning I'm thinking about all the new babies in our community in the past couple weeks AND all the ones just around the corner. Today I want to say to all the mamas of new babies, "When in doubt, take a nap."

It is really true, so many things will go better if you grab those naps when you can. NO GUILT ALLOWED.

If you have a toddler too, this is sometimes so hard. They both get to sleep at once and there are a million things you feel like you should do. Don't do them. Sleep.

I promise you--for the first three months at least--you will not regret it. Your husband will thank you. Your body will thank you. Your milk production will be better. Your joy will be better. I could go on and on.

With love and wishing you happy napping,
Carrie

Peaceful Outings

Dear Lindy,

I’ve been pondering this entry for a few weeks. I may not have time tonight to write the whole thing, but I will begin.

One of the most stressful things about parenting can be going in public with your kids. There is something unnerving about going out when your kids are unpredictable. Every parent hates the child-melting-down-in-the-grocery-isle scene. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure every parent has to go through that, at some point. But with what I’m about to share with you, that scene will definitely be the exception. I want to tell you my favorite tools to help you navigate life outside your home.

The first tool is the belief that your children are TRAINABLE. Yes, you are not at their mercy. They can be taught. It can be fun. When they are trained they are then accountable AND predictable. I believe that when baby gets mobile, it is prime training time. Obviously training begins as you set up eating and sleeping habits. However, it goes to the next level as baby gets moving.

There are two keys to training kids. Key number one is to do it at a peaceful, convenient time for you. Don’t try to train your kids when you are in a hurry or under stress of some kind. Make time for it. Plan for it. It will be more fun if Daddy can help too. Key number two is to have fun with it, if at all possible. Make up little games to practice the right habits. Use tons of positive reinforcement. Laughter, delight, praise. Communicate “Obedience is a joy.”

The rest of the tools are what I will call commands. There are a few key commands that make mommy life in public very peaceful.

Favorite command # 1 – “Come here please.” Do not underestimate the power of those three words. They will keep your kiddo safe, your mind sane and keep you from yelling and threatening your kids in front of the whole world. If you can work toward immediate, quick and joy-filled obedience to those three words you are well on your way to peaceful outings.

Remember, start training with games and fun, it might go something like this: Maybe Daddy has your crawler (yes, you can start that early). Mama is a few feet away. Mama says, “Come here please, Sammy.” She waits. Daddy shows Sammy what to do. Then mama and daddy praise, kiss and hug Sammy. Then try again. Pretty soon, Sammy will learn that he needs to crawl to mama when she says “Come here please, Junior.” Once you have the territory, keep it. Practice it. Hold the kids accountable to it. If baby disobeys, give them a couple chances to “do it right” before you move on. Heap on the praise when baby get is right. If Sammy doesn’t get it on your first practice session, don’t fret. Just try again another day. Sammy will learn. Even now with my kids at school age I do a quick refresher game with my troops to make sure they remember the drill and do it quickly. “Come here please” is invaluable.

Favorite command #2 – “Do not touch.” This one was a little tougher for me to make it into a game. However, if your kids obey “do not touch” then grocery isles are safe, libraries are safe, non-kid proof houses are less stressful, electrical outlets are less dangerous, you name it—the pay-off abounds. I remember vividly when Caedon was little. He reached up to stick his finger in an electrical socket. I took his hand, squeezed it, moved it away and said, “Do not touch.” He kept trying. I knew this was my training moment. I was peaceful, not angry, and had the time. So every time he tried, I squeezed and moved his hand away and said “Do not touch.” I eventually had to give him a light flick on his hand each time he tried. I’ll bet he tried to touch that thing at least twenty times. Eventually, he got the picture. I knew he understood when he sat there reaching up for the outlet, but stopped short of it and just wept. He obeyed, even when he wanted to touch that outlet so badly. Boy, did I shower him with hugs and kisses. I tested him a few more times but he had learned his lesson. We had taken that territory.

One parenting book I read said that babies who can crawl can learn to obey basic commands (come here please, stay here, etc.). “Do not touch” is definitely one. That same book (To Train Up a Child by Michael and Debi Pearl) suggested putting an item on your coffee table for training purposes. Let’s say you pick a book which is your “do not touch” item, then you train your child not to touch it and leave the book on the coffee table for a season, just to give baby a chance to obey. Heap on the hugs and attention for obedience. You have to give them a chance to practice obedience when you are not under pressure. When they are in the habit of obeying, then when pressure hits, kiddo will make the right choice.

Favorite Command #3 – “Lock and Load” You could pick your own phrase for this one. The basic idea is that when I say “lock and load” the kids run and hang on to the stroller or the grocery cart or me. When you need the kids to be close by you and under control, lock and load is fantastic. I use it when I’m walking with my kids in crowded places, or un-kid-friendly settings. Some moms I know have their kids hang onto mom’s pocket. If your hands are full and you need your toddler to cross the street with you, “lock and load” says “come here and grab mama’s pants while we walk.” Do you get the idea?

The unexpected fruit from “lock and load” is that it allows me to give my kids more freedom. If they are wiggly at the store, I can have the run up and down the empty isle. That works because when it is time for me to move on, or if someone else comes in our isle, I can say “lock and load” and the boys run to the cart and hang on, walking beside it. If I didn’t have a plan to gather the troops, or if I didn’t know that they would obey, I wouldn’t be able to give them that freedom. When I used to try to get my kids to the car after church without Eric, “lock and load” was a life-saver. If I could get baby strapped in and the rest of the boys hanging on, we could navigate to our car safely and peacefully. “Lock and Load” really is one of my favorite mom tricks.

Imagine, if you had “do not touch”, “come here please” and “lock and load” down pat, so many frustrating and slightly embarrassing scenes don’t happen. When you pick up baby at the nursery or kids’ church, baby obeys immediately. When you need to change a diaper, baby comes to you instead of running away. When you see a car coming, baby obeys instantly and avoids danger. When you discern darkness or danger, you have the tools you need to keep baby safe. These three pay off at home or away from home. They are some of the keys to mommy sanity.

Remember, your child is trainable. There is a difference between training and discipline. Make training fun. Train obedience into your kids first. Teach them what you expect. Use the same phrases each time. Use tons of joy, praise and affection while you train. Once you have a territory, keep it. That means you need to discipline for disobedience and take time to re-train every once in awhile. Give them lots of chances for success, so that success is the habit.

When they have these three down pat, then you can add some. Sometime I can tell you about “Library Rules”. I love that one.

Phew! I’m glad I got that out. 

Happy training,
With love,
Carrie

Book Review: An Old-Fashioned Girl

Louisa May Alcott is most famously known for writing Little Women. Recently, I have ventured into her other works and absolutely loved them. I am passionate about the power of story. Good, wholesome literature inspires me to dream about the kind of person I wanted to be and try to live it. Louisa May Alcott is that kind of writer. Her stories are full of moral truth. They value hard work, modesty and kind-heartedness. She artfully articulates the struggle between wanting to be “fashionable” and being determined to stand by one’s convictions. Her heroines are inspiring but not perfect.

An Old-Fashioned Girl follows the story of country-girl, Polly Milton, as she visits her city friend, Fanny Shaw. The story begins when the girls are about fourteen years old. Originally two separate works which skip about six years between them, the version I read combined the two into one longer story. You watch Polly work out her convictions in the context of many temptations—sometimes learning from mistakes. In this work, the themes center on fashion, behavior with young men and honoring elders. I highly recommend it. This is a well-written, wholesome story which left me inspired to be a better wife and mother and to stick to my own “old-fashioned” principles. It would be a great catalyst for conversation with girls about dressing modestly, behaving modestly around boys and how to honor grandparents. Mom, read it first—you’ll enjoy it.

Happy Reading!

In our family

Dear Lindy,

I am about to share with you three of the most freeing words in parenting. Are you ready?

In our family….

These three simple words give you permission to do things the way you and Dan believe is right for your family. Every family has different theories, convictions, boundaries and rules. There is not need for comparison. There is not need to feel pressure to do it like other people (including me). There is no need to judge other families. God will show you and Dan the right path for your own family—that is all that matters.

I used it on the beach this week with a random kid who was playing with us: “Hey, we don’t really use the word ‘stupid’ in our family.” So he stopped, no big deal.

There are so many little things families do differently (which movies to watch, video games to play, whether or not to climb on furniture, etc.). With those three simple words, you can gracefully communicate to your own kids and to others the boundaries in your home.

Those simple words should free your own heart as well. There will be things I have suggested you try and hate. “In our family…” You fill in the blank! Guess what!?! You can nurse in bed and it is okay! What works for your family? As you figure that out, walk in it peacefully and in confidence. As your girlfriends figure it out for their families, you can have grace and not fret if it is different than you. Hmmmm…sounds like we are back to the subject of grace. 

I love seeing your beautiful belly!
-Carrie